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[2548] i want to die so much

Im 19 and i want to die so much.
I've had severe depression problems since i was a kid.
I loved a girl for 3 years before an intense 9 month relationship, which ended 3 years ago. I still think about her EVERY SINGLE DAY, sometimes all day, sometimes something small reminds me of her. I dont love her anymore because we havnt spoken much since, but i havn't been with anyone else since and i miss the love so much. We're still friends and shes there for me, but i can't tell her.
I frequently spend hours alone crying in my room,smashing it up or smoking cannabis until i fall asleep. i havnt told anybody what im going through, this is the first time ive let it out of my head.

life REALLY isnt worth it. I hope it gets a lot better soon because if i believed in God as the creator and maintainer of all life, I would hate him.

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